Maternal Instinct Not Guaranteed (continued)

... I know there wasn't love, time and actions proved that out.


With time mother must have grown lonely. After all everyone needs to feel love; even people who can't give it must need companionship. She looked in bars, little dives in the town where she had grown up and near to my grandparents neighborhood. Sometimes she would take us in with her; more often we were left sitting in the car. Three tow-head toddlers, although actually I was five or so by this time. I remember being in the car and mother being in the store/bar and I remember my granddaddy driving by in his truck. That was one time that I remember.


There are other stories from relatives and friends; apparently it happened often enough for our grandparents to call our father and ask him to help. They couldn't know the kind of monster that would come to our rescue. She did though, mother knew. She knew because she had lived with it; had probably already witnessed the very edges of the depravity we would endure. She didn't fight for us. I asked when I was in my teens and before I realized she had now maternal tie to us. Not one of the three did she ever really love. She allowed us to be starved, beaten, berated, and yes even raped and through it all she remained aloof.


The rest of this story is another horror for another day. Tomorrow I begin to try to explain how this lack of motherly love (real love, not the fake money can buy it kind) continues to haunt this family.


Okay, so I lied. It is not tomorrow. In fact it is about a week. Sorry, but sometimes life gets right in my path and refuses to move. Anyway, off we go back to the days when as a child I may not have seen and heard much, but what I did I remember. 


Good things I remember, my pony 'Goldie' that my granddaddy got for me. the time the Sears Truck came right before Christmas to bring our swing set and they told us Santa asked them to deliver because the set was to big for the sleigh. These things all happened at my grandparents though. My safe place. The only place I had a childhood. 


After going to live with the father things were different. We were not hungry as often, but we worked a lot more. Not just chores like taking out the trash either. Oh, did I forget to mention the other mothers? There were a few and in between I at the young age of seven or eight learned to cook and clean. There were other wifely duties things that weren't talked about. The other mothers would come and go. Some had children, but where they are now I don't know. Even when there was a 'mom' there was work to do. The father had many problems not the least of which was 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.'  He was OCD before it was fashionable. Flower beds had to be weeded and edged daily. The grass was watered three times a week. The sprinkler attached to the hose(we knew nothing of underground irrigation) had to be moved every thirty minutes exactly and it took for moves to cover the yard. Failure to complete these tasks or any others properly would bring the wrath of the belt. That belt could cut the blood from your legs with little effort and even less provocation. Now I am completely off subject. Let me just say whatever motherly instincts those stepmothers had rarely extended to my siblings and I.


I married at fourteen and was a mother at fifteen. The 'marriage' at the time was more of an escape from an intolerable existence. The feeling at the time was mutual between my husband and I. Love came later, how much later I am not sure. It just came along and decided to stay I guess. I loved my child with all my heart and made an oath to keep her from harm no matter the cost. I kept her from the monsters of my childhood. I turned my back on everything but my grandparents and siblings. I did not want another child. I told myself and everyone else it was the best choice for the one I had. Maybe I just knew without really knowing that it really is in the blood.


My sister seem to have it all under control. She had met a good man and seemed ready to settle down. They married and before long were expecting their first child. She was a good mother attentive, anxious at every sniffle, and always buying him some new toy. After a while I noticed she didn't hold him if she could hand him off to someone else. I just thought she was tired and they had just started talking about postpartum depression. Besides I knew all the horrors of her childhood so I explained it away. By the time she was pregnant with her second child she and her husband were separated. Soon after the baby was born they were divorced. Shortly after the divorce became final my sister began to totally withdraw from her children. Sometimes she would leave them with me. More often though their father had them. He would have to juggle work, a toddler and an infant. To this day I count him as a friend and a good man. he raised those kids with virtually no help from my sister at all. Oh she was there for the special events; The graduations, some birthdays, and other events where she could play at being mom without any of the responsibility. Her third child was less fortunate in her parentage. She was born with the name of a man who was not her father and whom her mother left soon after her birth. She never knew her real father and my sister died without even telling her his name. This child to was handed off from one to another. Sometimes friends took her in, sometimes family. She lived with us several times as a infant and toddler. My sister's last husband adopted the child, she carries his name but there is no love there I think. 


My sister loved her children I know this in my heart. She simply couldn't mother she didn't have the feel for it or the desire. I am really not sure which it is, a feeling or a desire to care for another human more than you care for yourself. Anyway, as you may have guessed my sister has died. In the end it was her inability to deal with her beginnings and the horrors that live there that killed her. Even though the official cause was an automobile accident. A head-on collision with a semi- truck in which she crossed the center line. You make the call, I knew the minute I got the call.


More later, P.W.

Maternal Instinct Not Guaranteed

We are creatures with some unique coping abilities. One of the most often used coping strategies used by humans is avoidance. We avoid thinking about (or seeing) unpleasant or disturbing behavior. Which is why people are so often surprised to find out that the neighbors are getting a divorce because he/she was a violent person. It is the same method many people use to deny that some females do not make good mothers. Hell, some of them do not even want  children. They are just an unfortunate by-product of a sex act. For these females a child is just one more thing they do not have time for. 


Now, before we stray of the subject and start making assumptions about economic status or promiscuity. Let's get it straight these females may or may not be human, some are, some are not, and still others act like the lowest form of life. If they are humans, they may come from any background, lifestyle, of economic situation. That is a subject for another time. This is about genetics, instincts, and maybe a little misinformation. Another little caveat, I am drawing on my own observations of, interactions with, and reading on, these females. I am not a psychologist, scientist, or sociologist. I am just an ordinary person who has stepped in and stepped up when the need has arisen. Okay, now then where was I?


Actually my first opportunity to witness the total lack of maternal attachment was with my own mother. Sadly, I can not honestly say I ever remember receiving affection of any kind from her. I remember from a very early age the feeling that my granny loved me. Not a real memory mind you; Just a feeling of warmth and softness that I always associated with her. The first feeling I can remember in relation to my mother is one of annoyance, frustration, and probably more than a little stress. I am sure she had every reason to feel the things. She married young (17-18) and I was the reason. Then two more children in as many years and she split from my father before the second(my sister) was born. I have vague memories of us living with the grandparents, then a daycare center and a bus that took us to a small space up to many stairs for little legs. A sleepy brother and sister and not much food. All of this is clouded with those feelings frustration and annoyance, maybe even resentment. I was young and not completely sure. I know there wasn't love time and actions proved that out. 


I am going to pause here and post this portion of a much larger story. You can help me by reading what is here and leaving your feedback in the comments. i will write some more later today or tomorrow depending of life events. Thanks in advance for your help.

Denim Look Crochet Handbag

Denim Look Crochet Handbag

Mocha Cafe Cream Cupcakes

Mocha Cafe Cream Cupcakes | Chocolate Recipes | Shutterbug81 | Just A Pinch Recipe Club

CUPCAKE BATTER
1 bx	triple chocolate cake mix made with pudding
1 1/3 c	cold strong coffee
3	eggs
1/4 c	sour cream
1/2 bx	instant chocolate pudding
	2-3 tbsp mocha powder
1/2 c	vegetable oil
MOCHA CREAM FILLING
4 oz	softened cream cheese
1/2 c	powdered sugar
1/2 c	unsalted butter Visit GoBoldWithButter.com
1 1/2 c	milk
1 bx	instant chocolate pudding
6 oz	cool whip
1/8 c	cold strong brewed coffee
MOCHA CREAM FROSTING
1 1/2 c	heavy whipping cream
4 Tbsp	mocha powder/mix
1/2 bx	instant chocolate pudding mix
	powdered sugar (to thicken to desired consistancy)
	optional: chocolate covered coffee beans, chocolate curls, chocolate sprinkles for garnish ideas

Mommy, Mom, Mother, it Comes in Stages

Today is Mother's Day 2012 and Mother's everywhere are being celebrated by their children. For some Mommies breakfast will be a grand affair burnt toast, waffles, pancakes, and just about any other well meant and badly prepared breakfast food small children (and sometimes husbands) can dream up. Proudly served by beaming faced moppets with jam in their hair. As stated before, it is all well meant and Mommy will re-clean the kitchen later. 

The Moms of older, but still at home tweens and teens, may still get breakfast in bed or fast food take out. They will present their tokens with smooches and smiles. Then it;s 'Mom, I'm gonna hang out for awhile.' 


Mothers, ah Mothers, there are stages to this. Her children are grown with families of their own. Many have moved far away, they call, text, and send cards and gifts to celebrate. Mother goes to brunch or lunch where the fare is never overdone. 

So today, if you are a Mommy, the messes have been bigger. Mom, the antacids in the cupboard. Mother enjoy the rest.